


Ctrl+Alt+Del

by Captain_Jade



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Bad Decisions, Dark, Descent into Madness, Detective Noir, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Horror, Humanity, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, Moral Dilemmas, Multi, Mystery, Mystery Character(s), Plot Twists, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Horror, Psychological Torture, Science Fiction, Sleep Deprivation, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29612586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Jade/pseuds/Captain_Jade
Summary: After the Neverrealm, everything feels heavy. Each step is weighted with a guilt the likes of which Zane has never experienced before. He'd hurt so many people, and ruined so many lives, and wants to fix it but there’s nothing he can do. So he does the next best thing. He forgets.Except, as it turns out, deleting 60 years worth of memories all at once has consequences.And with a startling increase in missing person cases, bizarre coded messages being left all over the city, and a very deep and dangerous rabbit hole that seems to keep going forever, those consequences could not have come at a worse time.
Relationships: Cole & Lloyd Garmadon & Kai & Nya & Jay Walker & Zane, Cole/Jay Walker, Kai/Zane (Ninjago), Nya/P.I.X.A.L. (Ninjago)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	Ctrl+Alt+Del

"It's not a glitch."

"What? Of course it is. What other explanation could there be? There has to be something wrong with my memory banks. It makes sense, too, because since all of my systems look different now, there must have been some damage done to my neural pathways, and it's not as i-"

"Your neural pathways seem to have repaired themselves just fine. There's nothing here for me to fix."

"But...then what's wrong with me?"

Zane stares back at Nya blankly, and it takes a considerable amount of willpower for her not to look away. She's never seen Zane so...empty. His eyes have a haunted quality to them, the likes of which she's never seen on him before. When he'd come to her early this morning asking for her to look for a "glitch" in his memory processors, she'd guessed right away what was going on. A quick examination of his systems had confirmed her suspicions, although she really wished that Zane had been right. A glitch would be much easier to fix.

Nya gives him a pained smile, unplugging him from the computer screen. "There's nothing wrong with you, Zane. They're called flashbacks."

Zane pauses, a strange mix of understanding and confusion drawn upon his face. "But that's a human thing."

"No. It's a trauma thing."

Very gently, and slowly so that she doesn't startle him, Nya places her hand on top of his.

"This is going to take a long time to heal from. But you're home now, and I promise that nothing like that is ever going to happen to you again. We're all here from you, and if you ever need to talk to anyone, you know I'll always be willing to listen."

Zane blinks, and pauses for a moment before drawing his hand back away from Nya. "I know," he says. "Thank you."

"I'm...sorry there's nothing I can do to help you," Nya says quietly. "I wish there was."

Zane pauses again. "It's alright," he replies slowly. "But...are you sure? I know it's not so simple with human brains, but my brain is positronic. Surely there's some sort of enhancements we could make to prevent this from coming up again."

Nya frowns. "That's not how it works. I think that would just cause more problems."

"But couldn't we at least try?"

Nya shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Zane. I can't do that. We could end up damaging your memory processors. I know it seems terrible right now, but it's not going to be like this forever. I...also know that seems like a really cliche thing to say, but it's true."

Zane nods slowly. "Thank you," he says.

"You're welcome," Nya replies.

Zane is silent as he shakily stands up and watches himself walk back down the hallway. Everything is cold. Everything is ice. Everything is fake.

_Zane has never felt less human._

* * *

_Dark crimson splatters across the snow as blood drips from the sword in his left hand._

_It's night. The full moon above the trees provides a pale source of light, which delicately deflects against snowflakes and creates a spectacular illusion of tiny diamonds on the ground. The bitter wind howls through the trees, blowing snow into his face and whipping his cloak around._

_The Ice Emperor doesn't pay either of those things any mind. He couldn't care less about the snow, no matter how dazzling it looks at this time of night. He barely even notices the wind, as no matter how many degrees below freezing the temperature slips, he never seems to get cold._

_Nothing is cold. Nothing is hot. Nothing is_ anything _. It's just...silence._

_He examines the sword in his hands again, looking at his reflection in the blade, which is more red than silver._

_He doesn't see himself._

_Whoever that person is, it isn't him._

_Had he had time to ponder the implications of that, he would have, but before he can think, he hears a crunch behind him and he whirls around, the sword now pointed millimeters away from his follower's nose. "What do you want?" he asks._

_The man merely blinks, his expression much more confused than frightened. He doesn't answer, and he doesn't move._

_"I said, what do you want?" the Ice Emperor repeats, his tone more hostile. He lowers his sword and takes a step closer to the man. He looks rather familiar, but he can't quite tell why._

_The man speaks, finally. And it's only one word, but it arouses an icy fear in the Ice Emperor's heart that makes him drop the sword and stare back into the other person's eyes with his mind blank and full of questions at the same time. "_ Zane _?"_

_And that's when he loses control. That's when the sword in his hand is suddenly brought up into the air. The man in front of him doesn't so much as flinch when it comes back down, and Zane watches himself from the inside, his heart thumping in his chest as a nauseating feeling brings itself to his subconscious as snow becomes more red than white and everything is getting so loud, and_ why can't he stop himself? Why isn't he in control of his body anymore? What's happening? Why is everything turn-

* * *

"Alright, just take a deep breath for me, okay? You're safe. Are you okay with being hugged right now?"

Still too choked up and upset to form words, Zane nods his head, relieved when he feels Kai's arms wrap around him.

Zane buries his face in his partner's shoulder and squeezes his eyes shut, latching onto Kai as tight as he can without hurting him. He tries to spit out some kind of apology, but Kai shushes him.

"Stop it. You don't have anything to be sorry about. Nobody's ever going to get mad at you for having nightmares, okay? It's not your fault." Zane's breath hitches, and Kai pulls away so that he can hold his hands and look him in the eyes. "Zane. It is not your fault."

He lets out another choked sob and feels Kai hug him again. He doesn't loosen his grip until Zane has calmed down enough to speak. It feels like a long time, but then again, Zane doesn't think he can trust any of his systems anymore, and his internal clock is no exception.

Nevertheless, no matter how long they stay there together, Zane eventually runs out of non-existent tears and he draws away from Kai. "I...apologize," he says.

"Dude, I literally _just_ told you not to do say that."

"Oh. I apologi- I, I mean...I will keep that in mind for the future."

Kai snorts. "We've really gotta work on that, buddy."

"Work on what?"

"Your whole..." Kai gestures vaguely, "compulsively apologizing thing that you do. You apologize for things that don't have anything to do with you. Remember that one time you said sorry because I stubbed my toe? You weren't even in the room."

"Well...perhaps if I _were_ in the room, I would have told you to watch where you were going, and you would not have injured yourself."

Kai sighs. "Okay, seriously. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything. It's not your fault."

He doesn't say what 'it' is, but Zane immediately knows what he means. He stares back at Kai.

Nothing is _ever_ Zane's fault, is it? Sometimes it seems like his friends think he's some sort of flawless being, incapable of doing any wrong. Nothing's ever his fault. Everyone else gets yelled at and blamed for things all the time, but recently Zane's noticed that he...doesn't.

This seems a bit backwards to him. Humans make mistakes all the time; it's perfectly normal for them. But Zane isn't human. He's not supposed to make mistakes. He's not supposed to make miscalculations. He's not supposed to fail. He was built for one purpose: to protect. And he can't even do _that_ right.

"Kai," he says. "I killed him."

"What?"

"In the dream. I killed Lloyd. And I couldn't stop myself. We...we were on this mountain, and he came up behind me, and he said my name, and then I...I..." he promptly shuts his mouth, looking away. "I've done terrible things, Kai. I'd appreciate if you acknowledged that."

" _You_ didn't do terrible things. The Ice Emperor did. You weren't yourself."

Zane shakes his head, frustrated. "That's not an excuse. I caused _so much_ pain and suffering. I'm...I, I was a mons-"

"Stop," Kai interrupts. His voice is soft. His lips are softer, when he pulls Zane in for a kiss. The soft moonlight from the window reflects upon Zane's titanium exterior and shines gently in his bright blue eyes, which flutter closed as his lips make contact with Kai's. "You are _not_ a monster," Kai says seriously. "Never have been, never will be. You're better than any of us."

Zane looks away again, feeling uncomfortable. He's not better than them. He's much, _much_ worse. Why can't he get them to see that? He swallows. "Thank you, Kai," he says finally. "You can go back to bed now. You require more sleep than I do."

Kai frowns. "Are you sure? I don't mind staying up with you if you-"

"No, that's alright. I...don't think I'll be going back to sleep anyway."

"But it's like, the middle of the night. You might not need as _much_ sleep, but don't you need to be in a partially shut-down state to update and process and stuff?"

"You don't need to worry about me," Zane answers, blatantly avoiding the question.

Kai would have argued with him, but this is the third night in a row this has happened and he's a little sleep-deprived himself. "Oh...okay," he says finally. "Goodnight, Zane."

"Goodnight, Kai."

Kai lies back down in bed, and Zane leaves their room.

He walks down the hallway, careful not to make too much noise so he doesn't wake anyone else, and opens the doors to the courtyard.

The moonlight offers enough light for him to examine the murals on the wall, and as he listens to the faint sound of waves crashing gently against the shore, Zane closes his eyes.

The Neverrealm never felt like this. The Neverrealm was cold and sharp and lonely. Ninjago does not feel like that. He is here, and he is safe. Zane opens his eyes when he feels a firefly land on his arm. Under normal circumstances, he would have been fascinated, but now the little light that's staring Zane in the face only feels like it's taunting him as it blinks.

Zane doesn't move. It flies away.

He stares after it for as long as he can see it, watching it float and swerve and duck and dive around in the humid summer night air. The warm air feels strange to Zane after being in the Neverrealm for so long. He isn't really affected by temperatures the same way a human would be, but he had become so accustomed to the cold in the Neverrealm that the heat feels almost uncomfortable.

Yet, in some sort of paradoxical way, it's also comforting.

Zane examines his hands. There are minuscule snowflakes that pepper his fingertips almost constantly now. Although the heat helps, at this point he's certain he could walk through a wall of fire and still feel cold.

Everything is cold.

Everything is ice.

Everything is fake.

Zane has never felt less human.

But he's not human anyway, is he? He's just a robot.

And he's just a robot as his expression hardens and a solution begins to formulate in his mind.

And he's just a robot when he pulls up his memory files and finds the unsorted ones which he'd shoved in a folder in the back of his mind, lying in a dark corner collecting figurative dust.

And he's just a robot when he recalls what Nya had said yesterday.

And he's just a robot when he pushes that aside and opens the folder and nearly falls over at the shock of _everything_ being brought forward at once.

There's a moment of hesitation.

Should he really be doing this? Would it even make any difference? It isn't as if forgetting the past would change it. But on the other hand, since he can't do anything to fix it, the only thing these memories are good for are flashbacks and nightmares. If he doesn't do it, he's just going to go the rest of his life like this, isn't he? Zane sets his jaw.

He's just a robot when he thinks about all of the horrible and terrible things he's done, all the people he's hurt, all the lives he's ruined, all the blood on his hands. About how all of his friends are pretending that everything's back to normal now, and that nothing ever happened. If they're going to act like everything's fine, he might as well believe it.

Zane closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, until the anxiety seems to pass and he exhales slowly.

Then, he forgets.

* * *

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**Author's Note:**

> This is going to update very slowly for the time being, since I'd really like to finish Hubble's Constant before I get too into another super long fic. And this is going to be. Very. Long. Actually, I want to get chapter two out fairly quickly because this one was pretty much just a glorified prologue. Necessary for the narrative, but boring and it only sets up the real plot, which begins in chapter two.


End file.
